Steve's World

OK, without getting into all the background, a lot has been going on lately in my life. Ten days ago was the two year anniversary of the first surgery I’d ever had, where they removed my right kidney, due to a tumor that had been growing for decades. Well it was the typical renal cell cancer, but some of it was an aggressive type and the renal vein was involved, so it led to a T3 and not a very good prognosis.

Last weekend I went kayaking with my two sons and a friend from work. I hadn’t spent time with both my sons together since before my diagnosis, and even though I see my son Danny as often as I can (he’s 17 and active in sports and has a gf, social life, etc –  So I often joke it’s easier to get an appointment with Obama), I think of Sam, my oldest that I raised for almost half his life, quite often. Well the trip was great, and I think we all enjoyed it, my next post will have photos and the whole story, I promise. Needless to say, the day before the trip, I was hyper emotional, I was reading everything on charitywater.org and watching all the videos there, and I ended up crying like a little bitch. Not that’s there anything wrong with that It was obviously displaced from other concerns, I’ve been to very poor third world villages painting schools and fixing roofs, and also seen plenty of pain and suffering and death first person, but when I have serious unrest in my personal life, I can be overwhelmed with empathy or emotions quite easily. Of course there is an opinion in the field of psychology saying that can also be an indicator of depression. But that’s a can of worms we won’t open as I prefer to use lures when I’m fishing…

Then this Wednesday past I had a chest/abdomen/pelvis CT scan to make sure there are no metasteses or new tumors. A CT scan is no big deal, piece of cake, it’s the anxiety until the followup when you find out if everything is OK, that’s a little nerve wracking. Fast forward to today- riding the train home tonight, it was actually quite empty. Very unusual, my train is always very crowded, but I think hurricane Irene approaching us this weekend and all the undue panic surrounding it accounts for that. People left work early to prepare or leave town. Anyways, a woman was sitting across from me with a very cute and active infant boy in a stroller and a little toddler girl all dressed up in a little blue gingham dress and maryjanes. They were both cute as a button, I asked how old the baby was and remarked how beautiful he was, and his proud Mom said three and a half months with a big smile.

I put in my earbuds and started listening to a podcast, I mostly read on the train, but I had finished this weeks book yesterday and forgot to select a new one off the shelves and put it in my backpack. Every now and then I glanced across the aisle, and smiled, watching the little girl hold the babies bottle and press it against her wrist twice, no doubt mimicking what she has seen her mother due prior to every feeding. She was lively and happy, and the baby seemed very alert, they were all 3 obviously part of a healthy, loving, and nurturing family.  At some point, I had a hard time holding the tears back. I felt that I wanted to say to this woman “Enjoy your children and spend every moment you can loving them, teaching them, and at the same time learn about the joys of life from them now. You never know when you may be facing the end of your life and your children will be grown and have their own lives that are full, the times you share together becoming rarer…”

After debarking at our little train station, G picked me up and we stopped by Walgreen’s so I could buy a pack of smokes. I know, I know, cancer and smoking? Another can of worms we’ll leave for a later date. The minute we pulled over in the parking lot, my son Sam pulled up right next to G’s side of the car as I was opening the door. I sat back down, she rolled her window down and we started chatting from car to car. We saw him a few nights ago at the famous Romeo’s Pizzeria, where we both frequent as how can one not enjoy the amazing creations of Romeo? Everything is made to order and with the freshest ingredients, served up in huge sized portions. So, I went from barely speaking with my son and seeing him a few times in three years to spending time with him and seeing him like 4 times in the last two weeks! Honestly I can’t think of anything that has made me this happy and optimistic in a long long time. If you are a long time reader or go back to my posts seven or eight years ago when I shared very regularly, you’ll know we were close. I often think that raising him alone for 8 years was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I feel I fell short in many ways, but seeing him doing well as a young adult now is one of my proudest achievements. In fact, really all four of my kids turned out to be wonderful people, kind, intelligent, responsible, loving and well loved individuals, each with their own very different personalities. Although I know I have touched many peoples lives in my time and had many dear friends, I’ve even saved two peoples lives, but nothing comes close to the feelings of pride my children evoke.

So, not a fact filled or interesting post, but I needed to think aloud and look at the pattern of my feeling so vulnerable lately. And of course I have no filter and will bounce almost anything off complete strangers, so this is my place to do it. If you think this stuff is too personal, too boring, or you don’t give a shit, feel free to fuck off and read something else. There, is that the Steve you know and love? Really, the site IS called sysadminhelp.com, I’m a sys admin helping myself, and who knows, maybe others as well. Soooo, with that little tidbit, I’m going to end here and catch up on some emails. I cleaned up my personal inbox, it had over 12,000 messages in it, I had it empty, every last one filed or deleted, and in a mere 3 weeks I’m up to 575 messages that need attending too. I need to make more filters…

K all, toodles for now and for you New Yorkers, get your rain gear ready!